Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Man's Best Friend

So I was upside down earlier with the handheld Shark portable vacuum sucking up discarded kibble and other doggie detritus and it came to me in a thunderous revelation that all this stuff I do for the dogs changes not the fact that if I were to die on the floor right now, the pooches would have my bones picked sparkly clean in nanoseconds.  Remember that.  Same with your human children, in a different way usually, but still effectively they will pick your carcass clean.  What a world we live in.  No wonder so many of you have kept your baby hotels at zero occupancy for so long.  Good on ya.

My life has flat lined.  Well, yeah really.  I've been reduced to watching "On Demand" television.  Why only just today I treated myself to a hereto for unknown Discovery channel...Investigations.  So then I sat slack jawed through two episodes of "Behind Mansion Doors"  which is essentially old murder cases that have taken place in Indiana or Ohio where a rich guy is found murdered by someone.  In the two episodes I was riveted to, both men were gunned down by  hired morons I mean killers.  The hired guns were both  financed by tadadada a brother.  That these episodes were taken from the late 80's and are reenacted by bit players who bore no resemblance to the real players is of no importance.  Though it is confusing when they show actual file photos of victim, perp and investigators and then show the reenactment using the shills.  Never really sure who anyone was.  But it gave my Gardens of Time Game to reload so I have a full six lives to waste away in the other activity of my life...Face Book.  Give me strength.

Oh something interesting happened on Friday.  I had some bone sawn off my first metatarsal of my left pedal something or other.  What this means in real life is I have five gnarly looking stitches on top of my foot which shall remain till next week sometime and I got to go on a narcotic sabbatical for two days.  That I'd also signed up for a house/horse sitting gig seemed irrelevant in my Norco stupor, but nevertheless I'd received valuable cash money for my services and so I did what any forward thinking wife would do...I got Steve to do it.  He pretended to be put out and all cranky, but he did get up way ahead of schedule in the mornings all weekend to hustle down the road to feed the beasts and did it again in the middle of prime nap times in the evenings to repeat the feeding thing.  Don't kid yourself, I was there with him moaning in pain, sitting in the passenger seat of the little truck while he tossed hay to all concerned, but he did it.  Good boy.

I had a conversation today with a friend who has accumulated dachshunds.  I have three Jack Russell Terriers so I can sympathise with her.  You should limit your collections people.  Be satisfied with one.  And make it special.  There are only a few things you should have multiples of; trust funds, vacation homes and millions of dollars.  No where in that list does it mention Jack Russells.  Polite people wouldn't even have one.  

My youngest daughter has a fine dog named Sugar and she is of somewhat dubious parentage, probably Lab, Pit Bull and maybe German Shorthair.  But they only have one dog because Sugar is enough.  Sugar gets (has to come to be punished) to come stay with the babies on occasion and by the end of her visit she is practically begging to be set free.  The babies on the other hand have their own takes on the visitor.  Carlos - He scrabbles around in a blind funk, growls menacingly at the wall and generally just does stupid stuff.  I caught Sugar trapping him in the kitchen and threatening him if he dared to move.  It was effective.  Bumble - I'm pretty sure Bumble just pretends Sugar is not there and spends a lot of time under the bed or under the deck planning world domination that does not include Sugar.  She also is a sneak and will gobble up all the left over food when no one is looking and  proudly waddles around with an extra ten pounds on her sturdy 12 inch tall body.  She looks a little like a tick.  Emma - of all the dogs who could come to visit, Sugar is the best and Emma is a complete best friend slut when it comes to Sugar.  She begins the visit with a thorough dental exam, ear washing and butt assessment.  Then she will try to play ball with Sugar, but Sugar's DNA allows for only one possessor of the ball and it is not a Jack Russell.  You figure the outcome of that.  By the way, Sugar weighs in at a hefty 70+ lbs and Emma at a delicate 12 lbs.  I will say that what she misses in bulk, Emma more than makes up for in tenacity and bravery stupidity.  Normally I would never call Emma stupid, but sometimes those awful Terrier genes just take over like roid rage and there you have it. 

Many of you have bucket lists.  I have a wish list.  My wish list.
  •  I wish the Tom and Lorenzo guys would blog about the Khardashians.  I could write it for them, but I'm kind of busy with this rag.  If you don't know who Tom and Lorenzo are, then your reading syllabus is sadly out date.  Correct when possible  http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/
  • I wish the Sees lady would deliver.
  • I'd like a really nice horse and the money for it too. (muy importante that money for it part)
  • I'd very much like to not have to go to the hairdresser, or alternatively, would know when to go before it's too late.
  • I'd like it if my car never died, cause I like it.
  • I'd like to have a "my last home place" and it doesn't involve any one's nasty old basement or retirement tenement.  It must have property, a pool and a barn with an arena.  And help.  In a good neighborhood of estates.  Properly taken care of estates.
  • Good health, sharp wit and excellent adventures.
Enough for now!

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