Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Let the Holidays Begin...I'm ready...not

So about two weeks ago whilst I was listening to the I-Tunes DJ serenade me on my computer, I began the holiday shopping for the grand children.  Yes I know...I'm far too young to have g.children but they're here anyway and are of an age to demand tithing at Christmas.  To prepare the mood I listened to the favorite old tis the season standards.  I began with "Money", Pink Floyd,  "Whoop De Do", Mark Knopfler, "The Chanukah Song", Adam Sandler, "Angels from the Realms of Glory", The Choir of Tewkesbury, and of course, "I'm Gettin Nuttin For Christmas", Stan Freberg.  Once the songs were indelibly burned in my brain, I was sufficiently motivated to get to the nuts and bolts of gift giving.

I have five adorable (what else?) grandchildren.  Four are boys and one is a girl.  Ladies first. 

It seems Little Mila Bird wants, and will get, the Breyer Classic 3 Horse Stable in pink.  It comes with a jump too. (two panel vertical if you must know) And because you can't and shouldn't have an empty stable it will house the (sold separately) classic sized TB Mare and Foal.  I was briefly entertained by the classic sized Pink Ribbon Horse, but on further examination, it looked like it had had it's epidermis (skin) shaved off and was left with the all the capillaries and veins etc. showing.  Not what you would have wanted.  I know, I KNOW it is a breast cancer awareness model horse, BUT why is it so obviously a stallion then?  I may be missing something, but there you go.  Mila's gift...check.

The children's mother assures me that Jack wants the Kid Kraft Huggable Hank.  She has even gone as far as to rehearse Jack to recite..."YaYa, I want the Hank Horse."  Two things here, YaYa is an adorable grandmother name and Jack can have anything he wants.  Full stop.  So back to Huggable Hank.  This is a large plush horse which comes with a saddle and bridle.  He sports either two white front legs, or two front legs with white polo wraps, hard to tell, but I guess your imagination must come in to play here.  Oh, just FYI, he has hind legs too.  Hank is lying down so you can lie on him.  I never did figure out lay, lie etc.  Prone is a better word, so use that instead.  Jack's gift...check

Little Silas was going to be thrilled with the organically wrapped, recycled cardboard box filled with old paper that came from sustainably grown trees.  Little Silas is one year and three months old.  He would have loved it.  You know eating books and all that.  But it seems one year olds have more material needs than I gave them credit for.  So instead, he will receive the earth friendly, organic and ecologically sustained wooden blocks with which he will pelt his siblings.  What happens to the gifts after they are given is not my responsibility.  Silas's gift...check.

I have two grandsons aged 12 and 14.  Now what?  Can you say gift cards?  Actually I have been informed that gift cards are bad to give cause they get lost, or all the dinero on them doesn't get used, and then the greedy corporate wolves benefit from the leftover cash because nothing ever comes out even.  You didn't really think they offered gift cards for convenience did you? Ho Ho Ho.

I actually know what teen aged boys want.  It isn't what  I wanted...a horse, a saddle and a bridle, if you've been a faithful reader you know that.  But the boys want guns and girlfriends, I'm morally opposed to those things, thanks to a sheltered upbringing.  (God I'm funny)  So to alleve the angst associated with a tremendously hideous choice of gift, I have decided to give them the gift of music.  They get to pick out the perfect sounds and I avoid all the moral opposition to inappropriate content and what not.  Drew and Garrett's gifts...check.

I have a step daughter.  Happily her gift is in the purview of the paternal parent, so I am off the hook, in more ways than one, but I'm sure she will enjoy her 800th Amazon Gift Card.  Gray's gift...check.

My own children, the lovely and gracious Alison, Lindsey and Megan are next.  Remember when I said I would love to go en famille to the "paint your own pottery" place, and spend the afternoon in creative bliss with the darlings?  If you're not a faithful Squidgy reader...too bad, it was in another post.  Any way once again I am disappointed because THAT ain't happening.  Naturally I am not bitter nor am I holding a grudge, but rest assured I am keeping score...So what to give them?  I usually manage to eke out something suitable, but they have been known to read this when forced, so I really shouldn't spoil the surprise.  Ho Ho Ho.  Somebody(s) had best remember to return calls emails and texts.  Currently only one of three is off the hook, and will be receiving something fabulous.  The other two?  Well let me just say, exactly how long HAVE you known your mother.  And have you forgotten what I'm capable of?  That's what I thought.  My inbox and message centers will be full in just moments.  And I am content.  Alison, Megan and Lindsey's gifts...check.

On to the spouse.  So many options here, but again, he can read and has been known to peruse Squidgy if only to pepper me with suggestions to correct tense, spelling and to point out typos.  So perhaps a nice book of grammar, and a volume of Emily Post for him?  And a 5# box of assorted chocolates (no nuts thank you) for me, he's diabetic and I'm evil.   Oh alright, tis the season for giving and to forgive (man that's a painful concept)  so I will find you something, spouse, that hopefully lets you know how much I love you, even if I have to make it.  Steve's gifts...check.

I also have three son-in-laws.  Numbers 1,2 and 3 curently in no particular order because lately they've been much nicer than usual to me and I'm feeling happy and magnanimous.  And charitable.  These guys are really hard to shop for. So let's review fantasy lists for them shall we?

Tim H., something loud and expensive that fits on a car or boat.  Perfect growing weather and good crop prices.  That ought to do it.  Tim H.'s gifts...check.

Tim B., custom saddle, 5000 acres and a fine pad, LQ horse trailer.  Tim B's gifts...check.

Josh K., whom you met in episode 1 - who would read this?,  I Pad, World Peace and College tuition paid for three children.  Josh's gifts...check.

Somewhere down the line I will find the proper gifts for giving to the guys.  Happily we won't do Christmas until the next paycheck, so I have time to ponder and purchase at my leisure.

I hope you are deserving for all you get.  May your new year be prosperous and happy.