The spouse watches reality TV shows that originate almost exclusively from Georgia. This is very disturbing. Take Auction Kings, please. It centers around a family of auctioneers in, where else? Georgia. That would be enough for most people, but I digress. In the last episode he watched, a shrunken head was on the block. I mean really. Really? Really. Not good.
Last night he/we watched Toddlers and Tiaras. Now this is show about mothers who wasted their youth and must now live vicariously through their offspring. They subject the spawns of their loins to baby beauty pageants. So very wrong on every level. So these mothers (and fathers and grandmothers) spend thousands of dollars on little hooker dresses and doll their kids up in false eyelashes, pounds of makeup, spray tans and false finger nails. If the child has the gall to say lose a tooth, or not have a perfect array of ivory, then false teeth are inserted, they call the false teeth a flipper. I call it revolting. The hair styling is probably the most disturbing. If you would take a look at your pictorial of Marie Antoinette before the beheading, you will get a pretty good idea what the hair looks like. Simply a.m.a.z.i.n.g. Not enough to just to have toddlers parade around in their little hooker dresses, some pageants have...bathing suit competitions carefully disguised as "costume of choice". Ok, I just got a little sick in my mouth. But by far the most disturbing of all is what these "mothers" will feed their offspring to get, hmmm oh right their energy up. One child proudly announced she'd just downed five Pixie Sticks in about two minutes. A Pixie Stick is essentially fruit flavored sugar in a straw. Another parent was a little sneakier when she forced her two year old to drink cokes for the buzz. Where's a cop? Now I realize that I am being judgemental and narrow focused, but really? Baby Beauty Pageants? Excuse me while I go shower.
More? Of course. There are the reality cooking shows, not from Georgia necessarily but I know one took place in Texas, close enough. Anyway, bad manners, foul tempers, lots of tattoos (de rigour iffn you cook evidently) horrible hair and above all terrible shoes. There are shows where you have to make something edible using all the ingredients in a mystery basket. Why only just the other night there was the leftover basket. Pot roast was one of the leftovers. Dangerously close to being dry and over cooked on a good day, this chunk o meat had long passed its die by date and was a drab brownish gray and begged to be fed to the dog you don't like. One of the wannabes made Tempura out of slabs of this. Great idea to fry already overcooked meat. Not. The judges were not pleased, but it was a good enough, or not as terrible as someone else's, offering to move on to the next level. Tragic.
Dance Moms is on tap for the recording queue too. Fat, big mouth dance instructor who badgers tiny ballerinas and puts them in suggestive and inappropriate costumes all the while haranguing the mothers who pay valuable money for the privilege. Riveting.
One of the spouses most favorites is Dual Survival. So you take one ex Army ranger type and pair him with a "live off the land pseudo hippy type freak", and drop them both in some inhospitable locale, give them a toothpick or something as their only tool and expect them to survive together in the wilderness. Hint: they always get out of it, but sometimes they have to eat worms or something.
Not enough for you? How about Sons of guns? Swamp Loggers? Ice Road Truckers? Women Behind Bars? Right now I want all of you to feel sorry for me and buy me that IPad I so dearly must have. Only one of you responded to my last entreaty and Malcolm? that your wife would not like it is scarcely an excuse. Step up man.
I'm going to go make some chocolate chip cookies now and drown my sorrows in butter and sugar. Tonight we have the Top Chef reunion and I must be ready